Tasting, testing, and eating.: Something like being alone

All year, I begged for a weekend to myself. And all summer, my weekends were immensely occupied by visitors, people, renovations, life, death, and the likes… it’s strange to be in a position where there is Absolutely. Nothing. To. Do. I finally got my wish and I finally have a weekend to myself, but was a weekend riddled with stress and stressors. It’s frustrating to be obligated to do things you never signed up for. To have that expectation from people to be here or there and back and forth at this time or that time… to be chained to your phone for fear you might miss something exciting, to be chained to your phone because someone will call you every hour and demand to know what your plans are for the next hour until they call you again and demand to know what your plans are for the following hour… it’s depressing. All I want to do (or... i guess have been wanting to do since february)… is sit by myself at home, in my home in my house with my cat and watch tv, eat ice cream, go for long bike rides for hours, browse recipes, cook delicious food, and be at peace with where I am.

I don’t mind being cut off from the world. Sometimes it is liberating to be distanced from technology. But there is a difference between distancing yourself and complete isolation. And what I experienced last weekend was something like complete isolation. Sitting in the confines of a little room in the confines of a house with no internet with no tv and not even able to watch dvds on my computer because I don’t have a cd drive on my computer (uh, my fault entirely on that one). I sat… in a cave. In a well lit cave… and it bothered me that i could not still for lack of things to do.

Books were strewn across the bed and floor, but my attention was so divided between wondering what to do next, wanting to leave and escape, and wanting to sleep and rest. And all this is the stress that is called "going to my parents’ house." I wish I was comfortable sitting and doing nothing. but the neurotic workaholic graduate student self that I am cannot sit for more than 10 minutes and not do anything. I am not one to sit idly. I can’t stand it. And yet, while I sat there wishing I could do nothing, there were so many things that I wanted to do… but alone, in the comforts of my own home, where things are placed in a familiar manner, where my cat will rub up against you and meow petulantly for treats.

I become a mess of nerves when I’m separated from my work with no agenda for my days.

one day... there will be a weekend to rest. and from the looks of it... it won't be til december... :-(

in the mean time... pictures from the gardens

Prairie grass gone to seed